At Church last Sunday the Lord gave me a vision of my head resting on the "bosom" of Jesus.  It took me until yesterday to share it with my counselor.  It was such a powerful vision that I could no longer sing and had difficulty keeping my tears to a minimum so I wasn't causing a scene. It was saying to me, on a very intimite level that the Lord loved me and understood my sorrow and pain, that when he speaks to me it comes from his heart. 

So when I think of Maundy Thursday Lord's Supper celebration, it will never be the same.

As I am going through my second week of therapy here at Quiet Waters, I started thinking about the conversation beween the Velveteen Rabbit and Skin Horse. I am anxious to get home, but I am more anxious to be "Real".  Here is a the conversation:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"The Velveteen Rabbit, By Margery Williams , Illustrated by William Nicholson: HarperCollins Children's Books

My Lament

As a part of my therapy I was asked to write a lament like those you find in the Psalms, when David complained to the Lord about what was happening and then ended by saying that he would trust God through it all.  So here is my lament and my prayer is that the Lord would use it to give you courage and faith through it all:

My Lament

March 19, 2013

 

1.     O God, you created everything that is with just a word, a thought, a vision, and a plan.  You knitted me together in my mother’s womb and you know my name. Your desire in all that you created; even in the few years you have planned for me is that you would receive honor and glory.

2.    But God, how do you expect my life to bring glory to you when you continue to bring me so much pain.  I surrendered my life to serve you, to tell others about you, to help them to live Godly lives. Yet you keep trying to destroy me.  You send me people who want to blow up my home, people who complain that I am a lousy shepherd, people who betray my trust, friends who rally others against me, to send me away. Not just once but over and over again it continues to happen.  You break me in pieces and then break what is left of me in smaller pieces. How can this give you glory? Why are you doing this to me? I love you.

3.    Then you say, “My grace is sufficient”; you say, “I will not desert you or harm you”; you say, “I have plans for you and I am about to do something new, Can’t you see it?” You say, “When I am weak, then you can make me strong.” I depend on your promise that if I wait upon you, you will raise me up on eagle wings.

4.    God, as I lay before you as a small broken piece left now from what I was, fit me into the mosaic of your masterpiece. Let my small piece tell a powerful story about who you are. Let my small piece be a part of this beautiful plan for people to glorify you for your wisdom and design. Let it draw people closer to you in faith and love

5.    I love you and I trust you. I realize I will never fully have an answer to my whys. I also believe that because all things work together for good to those who love you that you will hear my lament and you will do something beautiful.

6.    My request is that, for now, you will surround me with a few good friends with whom I can share my tears and fears, my mistakes and weakness. A few good friends who will love me in flesh and blood the way you love me in spirit.

Quiet Waters

This is the Quiet Waters retreat center where I will be staying for 2 weeks. It is not exactly a cabin in the woods.  I have wonderful hosts, a hot tub and a bike. I had my first counseling session this morning. Hopefully my counselor will come back tomorrow :)

 

 I think I counted 6 fireplaces, 6 bedrooms, and lots of good food.

Just one of 4 lounges. There is just one other couple here besides our hosts, so I have this one all to myself!

I went for a walk through a riveen following a deer trail. I found a golf ball. I finally get to a gravel road and find these 6 deer resting on the lawn. Go figure.

I received this plaque on Thursday from the ministers of the East Central Cluster of Dakota Classis. What a neat surprise! It says, "You have served the Lord with gladness - tirelessly, faithfully, and with great compassion for His flock. Your investment in the lives of others has truly made a difference; You have given hope and encouragement to so many.  Now , as the day dawns on the next chapter in your life, may God continue to richly bless you and watch over you, may the God of peace grant you peace now and always." With great affection and gratitude from your pastor Network, March 2013
How Awesome!

Pictures from Jamaica

 

Part of our Jamaica Mission was to work with an orphanage in the mountains

 

This is Ashanta. The only time she looked at me and smiles was when I fed her a peanut butter sandwich only to find out later that she usually gets fed with a bottle.

 

We also worked on a Habitate House. We painted it pink on the outside and blue inside. Added windows and a roof!

 

This is Anna Marie on the left. It was her house we built

 

She was so happy to have her own home with her four children

 

Meet the basket man

 

We did stay in Montego Bay and had time to enjoy the sun and the beach

 

I think this trip could become a yearly tradition.  Let me know if you want to come along next January/February

Retirement

As of March 3, 2013 I am officially retired as a pastor of The Reformed Church in America. It is both difficult to write this but also very exciting.  I have been living in a cocoon for 42 years where I have had authority and respect because of being a minister.  Now I am leaving the safety and comfort of that position and ready to discover who I am and what I shall become.